Monday, 06 October 2008

• Need some word of encouragement

  At times i wonder it is the things that i have done that i am so stuck with things that happen to me. Yes, i know it is part and parcel of life that we all do face struggles in life. In others words we all do face challenges in life. After all it is through problems in life we learn something and this is how we grow. To a certain extend i am really tired. Tired of things in life. Most of the time i feel i am just so lost. Lost in this freaking world. I no longer know who am i anymore. I no longer understand people around me. I no longer know the world.*taken from my first blog*
  

  My Faith is not been strengthen. At times my Faith is there but at times it just unsure. Sometimes i also do not know whether do i have Faith. What is Faith to me? Faith is simply believing something which you cannot see. Yes i do believe in God. I do believe in His promises. I do. But, i do doubt. I doubt a lot lately. I did not tell anyone about it is because i do not find the need. After all is between me and God.
  

  To those who know me, perhaps you all will say can't be Charis. You have a great Faith in God. Yea i do , but that was last time not now. My level of Faith now is unstable. I feel lost. I feel that i am far from God. Perhaps is the freaking world that is making me feel like this.If you say did i do my devotion and do i pray yes i do. Everyday i pray and i read His word every day. But, i just feel that my walk with Him is far. 

  Let's us not live in a denial world. We all do thing as what the world thinks. We do. I do. We are all living in this freaking dark world and we do thinks like them. We are the Light of the world but at times we do thinks like the darkness of the world. Kinda sad aren't it? Sometimes it is just hard , hard to think in a way where we think differently from the world. Many times, i think in a way where it is different from the world , and what do i get? I get peace of my mind. I feel much happier as i view things in a positive way in a way where i know no matter what i will be all right because God is with me. I do believe He is. But, yes there is a but, but each time i think in this way, there are just some people who will give me a look, give me a different point of view and yes it does makes sense. Here it goes, battle among myself, arguing among myself. Gosh i really hate this feeling man!*taken from my 1st blog as well*
  

  At times, in my mind, the words of cursing is there and i just hate it! I hate it very much. I prayed for forgiveness. Yes i did not use it nor say it but i do think about it at times and this kills me cause i do not think bout it last time. I was not like this. To make things worst, i found out that, people around me whom i thought they will never curse actually curse. I feel so weird. I feel bad. I feel speechless. 

  I really don't understand, all this while they are just wearing a mask. Talking about wearing a mask. I guess i have been wearing mask to some people around me. Why? The main reason is i do not want them to ask me tonnes of questions and giving me a long lecture. It is not i do not know i do know. Just i can' take it. I can't bear it. I no longer bear it. Well after all who knows? Only me and God.

  See, i do surrender to God. I guess each time i surrender i do take a part of it back to myself. I know it is bad. I know it is not good but it happens. I beleive man of you here have experience it before. I do long time ago. Guess i have to learn to surrender 100% to God once again. Life is all about learning.

  Sometimes i do hope, i wish i can just get myself out of the world. Yea i know it is impossible. Because i am living in this world.  I might so down now but i am not Emo! Not emo! Lately, i realize that a lot of people asking me this question,"Charis are you okay?". I do not know how to answer them. Why? Firstly, some of them is not a Chrisitans and i can't be telling them about my walk with God. Yes some of them are Christians but, i just feel hessitate to tell. Secondly, i just do ont want to hear any lecture.
  

  The reason i am telling all of you here is because i guess i should not keep in to myself any longer. It kills me. I do not want to wear a mask. I do not want to be a hyprocritc.
  

  Any words for me my fellow brothers and sisters?
  

  
  

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